my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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