I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
