I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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