3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
