thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
is wine microwaveable?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
