I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
