it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
