Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
