The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
