I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
