please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
