we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
