At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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