Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
