Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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