Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
