Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
