Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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