i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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