sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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