Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
