Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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