I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize