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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
