Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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