Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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