I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
