My pussy is not your playground.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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