Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
