I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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