someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Randomize
