i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
