Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
