false alarm. still invincible.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
