Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
