Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you will always have a special place in my vag
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
