wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
