I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
