so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
