I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
