Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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