Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
