I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize