im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
