so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
