Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
