my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
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I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The uberlube is also flammable
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
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If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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