i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just high enough for therapy.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
