Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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