I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
