guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
