I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
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you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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