Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
