Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
