Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
