Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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