apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
