I think my fart just growled at me.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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