You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just found a bag of teeth...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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