It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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