Life is so much better after having sex.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
