This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
