I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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